Common Questions

Heather wrote a blog post not too long ago about the questions that she is commonly asked as an intended mother. Someone asked me the dreaded compensation question the other morning, so I decided to do a post of my own about the common questions that I (and about 100 other surrogates I know) are often asked, and give the best answers that I can. So many of my friends are fellow surrogates, or intended mothers, that I am used to the lingo & being able to speak freely without explaining. I forget sometimes how little the 'real world' knows about surrogacy! So this is my attempt to educate the masses. Or at least just the people who read this.

Q. I should do that, that's easy money! Don't you get a ton of money for doing that?
A. Well, that depends on what you consider a ton. When you do the math, I make approximately $3.72/hr, JUST for the pregnancy. This doesn't count the several months & two IVF cycles before I actually became pregnant. Easy money? Hardly. You're required to jack yourself up with hormones 10x beyond their normal level via injections, pills, creams & patches. You're required to go for several ultrasounds and blood draws pre and post embryo transfer, and some surrogates have to forego sex for up for 8 weeks during cycling. Let's not forget morning sickness, stretch marks, constipation, heartburn, insomnia and that whole part where you push a human being out of your vagina, or have it surgically extracted via a giant incision in your abdomen. Either way, it's no picnic. Did I mention you have to stay on progesterone, often in the form of a rather large needle injected into your hip until 12 weeks gestation? The more I talk, the more I wonder why the heck I signed up for this. Oh wait, I remember. To help my friend do something she isn't able to do on her own. If a surrogate is only motivated by a paycheck, it is NOT worth it. You have to be getting something else out of it, at least that's my opinion.

Q 1. If it's twins, do you get to keep one? 
A. If there are twins, or 17 babies, the parents take home every single one of them.

Q 2. Do you get to name the baby?
A. No. I have absolutely no claim to the baby I am carrying. The parents get to name the baby whatever they want, but I do however get to make up a nickname. My first surrogate baby was Cletus the Fetus, which I am certain made her mother cringe. It was all in good fun though! This baby is Boudreaux, and Heather gets the credit for this one.

Q 3. Why don't they just adopt?
A. This is one that makes my blood boil a little bit. I often answer that question with this series of  questions: "Why didn't YOU adopt? Because you wanted your own genetic child? What makes you more entitled to a genetic child than anyone else?" That usually gets the point across.

Q 4. How did your husband feel about you having sex with the dad?
A. I am not kidding you, someone actually asked me this once. If you think that this is how gestational surrogacy works, I am sorry. No one has sex with anyone! The process used to impregnate a surrogate is called In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). The only one getting any action is the Reproductive Endocrinologist who has the honor of taking the embryos from the dish & putting them into the uterus.

Q 5. Well then how DID you get pregnant?!
A. Let's elaborate on IVF. The intended mother (in this case, Heather) takes a bunch of injections to make her ovaries produce several follicles, where the eggs grow. Meanwhile, the surrogate is taking medication to suppress her ovaries, and to thicken the lining of her uterus so that the embryos can implant. Once the follicles are ready, the IM takes an injection to make her ovaries release the eggs, and 36 hours later goes under general anesthesia to have the eggs retrieved. They are then fertilized with the IF's sperm and grow for 3 to 5 days. On the day of retrieval, the surrogate begins taking progesterone, which will ensure that once the embryo implants, it stays put. Once the embryos are ready, 1 to 2 (or 6 if you're a damn nut and have an RE who is an idiot) embryos are transferred into the uterus via a teeny tiny catheter inserted into the cervix. Typically you have a blood pregnancy test 10 days later to see if it worked. Most surrogates are able to get a positive home pregnancy test by 6 days or so after the embryo transfer.

Q 6. How can you give up the baby? Won't you be sad?
A. I'm not giving "up" the baby, I'm merely giving it back. You can't "give up" something that was never yours to begin with. I won't be sad that the baby is gone, or miss the baby, but I will be a little sad that the journey is over. When I delivered my first surrogate baby in 2010, I felt such an overwhelming sense of pride, but at the same time, I was sad that it was over. It was a goal that her parents and I had been trying to get to for over a year. During that time, my life revolved around trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, looking forward to delivery... and just like that, it was all over. I had a bit of a "well, now what?" feeling. But I got over it in a couple days. It helped that my former IM and I remained friends. To this day, we still talk & it's often not even about the baby. But she frequently sends pictures, and a couple weeks ago sent a video of the baby, who will be two in a couple weeks, holding a picture of me & saying my name, then saying thank you. I can't even begin to put into words what that feels like. So though I might be sad for a few days, the lifelong joy I will get from knowing I helped bring a child into the world is more than worth it.

Q 7. How did you meet the Intended Parents?
A. Heather and I met 5 years ago when I joined TOSS (Texas & Oklahoma Surrogacy Support). I was looking for all the information I could about becoming a surrogate, and she was in the process of starting her first surrogacy journey, from which her son Abram was born. We became friends on Facebook & I followed her journey and she followed mine. When I was ready to attempt another surrogacy about a year ago, I remember telling a friend of ours that I wished Heather wanted another baby. I had a failed match with another couple, and as I was walking away from that, I posted on a Facebook group for Texas surrogates that Heather & I both belong to that I might be looking for IP's. Heather messaged me right then & said that she and her husband Brandon had just decided to try for another baby. The next day we had a good, long phone conversation about everything and a month later we had a contract. It was meant to be!

Q 8. Will you get to see the baby after it's born?
A. Yes. Heather and Brandon will likely be given their own hospital room on the maternity unit, but I am positive that they will spend time with me after delivery & let me hold the baby if I want to. Until it cries or poops, then I'm giving it back. I don't do crying or poop.

Q 9. Does your name go on the birth certificate?
A. No. We already have a pre-birth order in place, which is a legal document filed with the state of Texas stating that any child born from this arrangement will have the parents (Heather and her husband) on the birth certificate. My Brandon and I had to sign a crap ton of paperwork declaring that we have no legal rights to this child, that we agree it is not either of our DNA, etc. There is actually quite a bit of legal paperwork involved in surrogacy, I don't think most people realize that. We also have a 50-something page contract, also filed in Texas, outlining our intent. It even says I can't go skydiving! There goes my plan for Spring Break.

Q 10. Will the parents be there for the delivery? In the room? What if they see your va-jay-jay?!
A. Yes, they will be present for delivery, assuming they make it in time! The will probably stand by my head with my cash & prizes out of view. But considering there will be about 37 other doctors, nurses & an anesthesiologist in the room, I could honestly care less if Heather got a catchers mitt and stood front and center. Maybe it's just me, but this will be my 4th delivery, I've lost all modesty. How modest can you really be during childbirth anyway?


I think that just about covers it. There are a billion other silly questions we are asked, but these are the most common ones. I hope you learned something!